My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
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You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Cardio Made Easy
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”