My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
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JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal