I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust