My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
inside you are two wolves
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
How about daylight saves us for once
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Cheer up.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying