My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
You Might Also Like
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.