“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.