My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
what the
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?