Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Time heals everything 🙂
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT