My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
You Might Also Like
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Jogging