“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
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Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.