@dreamsinchocola: My husbands signature move is running to town "real quick" and coming home 5 hours later.
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@1Happytwit: I've been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I'm now three weeks late for work.
@NicestHippo: It's disturbing that when we see a man's mustache fall off we assume it's an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
@ddsmidt: The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
@brentcetera: SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER