My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
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[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
one of
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.