@Tmoney68: My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the "Pedalphiles" was not well-received AT ALL.
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@TrolleyCat: I'm not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It's a group effort, bears.
@Ristolable: [First day of prison] "Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?" Sure, I'll call you. Just give me your cell number *gets stabbed*
@LisaFarted: So I'm trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, "I will kill you in your sleep."
@Chumpstring: KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.