My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
repaired
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.