@shutupmikeginn: my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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@Cheeseboy22: My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.
@AndrewChamings: her: why is there a duck on your shoulder? me: he’s my life coach her: you wanna go to olive garden? *duck whispers in my ear* me: that’s a yes