@shutupmikeginn: my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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@XplodingUnicorn: 6: Why are we at the vet? Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies? Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
@Darlainky: A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don't understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
@garrydavenport: Next time my 5 y/o says "Daddy, guess what?", I'm going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.