@shutupmikeginn: my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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@NicestHippo: Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle
@djdarrellripley: Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN! Him: Just ignore him. Me: I'm trying! Him: I was talking to the dog...
@MatCro: Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?" Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?" Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."
@OldUncleDaveO: I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald's because fitness is a lifestyle