my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
You Might Also Like
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
So we got a goldfish…
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls