@shutupmikeginn: my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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@TheTweetOfGod: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Santa." "Santa who?" "Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass."
@iAmDelFreaky: Her: OMG! You didn't feed my cat while I was away? Me: Do you remember that time you didn't harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we're even.
@ImaFlyontheWall: Drunk me used to set a "Mystery Alarm" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
@TheHyyyype: REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service! ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast