@shutupmikeginn: my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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@natalayhehoo: If I ever want to hide something from my husband I'd put it in the dishwasher- he'd never look in there
@phalguy: 10: What does AF mean? After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF. Why do you ask? 10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
@causticbob: I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.'' 'Bob, that's a cat.'
@MourningGlory_: Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail. JK It was me.