My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch