My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.