My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?