My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
You Might Also Like
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.