My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
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Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Can’t. Being lazy.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit