My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob