My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them