I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi