@realHamOnWry: My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don't eat ice cream for supper tonight.
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@just1fool: You're supposed to throw rice at new babies and their mothers, right? Traditions are weird.
@slimmy_shady: 1) "Obamas spying on you."2) "Eh. Cost of being free!"1) "Obama wants to give you healthcare."2) "WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?"
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.
@doublewenis: Don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public. Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.