@realHamOnWry: My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don't eat ice cream for supper tonight.
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@thebeckyard: I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.
@david8hughes: [wearing World's Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
@Mr_Kapowski: Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us! Me: Why? Who's celebrating their 12th birthday?