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People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
tis the season
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato