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@JermHimselfish: My insomnia has it's own toothbrush in my bathroom.
@writerPT: We've got people working on world peace, and I'm here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient's chocolate without her noticing.
@Donna_McCoy: Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Where's your maternity section?
Her: Over there. How far along is she?
Me: Her? I'm shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.
@ClichedOut: How to get my attention:
1. Buy me food
2. Cook me food
3. Be food
@slimmy_shady: Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!