My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
never ask a starfish for directions
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.