My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Lol.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh