on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
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I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work