I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
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The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Story of my life…..
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever