@rovingthought: My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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@TheNardvark: If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."
@InternetHippo: BOSS: You ok? ME: Yeah, why? BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed” [maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
@UnicornSyrup: My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. "If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?" Diabetes?
@dragnut: Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn't realize was there. Now you can say you've seen me dance.