@rovingthought: My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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@BlindChow: INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk? ME: ʸᵉˢ INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@JCWisdomNuggets: Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
@envydatropic: My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?