My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Miscakes
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.