My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
You Might Also Like
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
When I laugh on my period