My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
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My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Perfection.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Adultry does not sound fun at all
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”