My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.