[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Succinctly put.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.