I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏