@theblowout: my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn't there
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@fridaycandy: I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love" but it's actually "floor" .
@heatherjs: Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
@ABurgerADay: [tsunami approaches] Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace. Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.