There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.