@kelkulus: My iPhone corrects "WHOA" to "WHOSE", which just made my text response to "I JUST HAD A BABY!!!" a little awkward.
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@HelsNotAllowed: My boyfriend isn't allowed to have candles on his birthday cake...Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.
@squirrel74wkgn: Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife? Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb- Wife: Thirty-seven
@donni: Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I'm eating right now