My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside