Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?