My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
You Might Also Like
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
my favorite genre of twitter
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.