My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Every haunted house movie:
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.