My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied