My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?