She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I just ran a .003048K
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.