I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
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If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines