My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Name another movie that mislead you?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.