My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.