My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.