This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.