Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}