Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
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sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Welcome
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.